so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize