Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Randomize