Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
Who is this?
Who do you want it to be?
Sarah Palin
I've got the updo, bangs, and glasses, but I'm blonde
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
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