I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
