I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
Sext me about skeletons
Randomize
