His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
normally i wouldnt have blown him but he was on dawsons creek.. i love dawsons creek.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Randomize
