found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
Covered in glitter and dick. 2010 feels a lot like 2009.
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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