I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
apparently the secret to your success is patron
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Randomize
