she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
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