She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
