Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
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