how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
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