god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
