You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
I prefer the term 'tenderly watching'
such a stalker...
she wanted to love me. she just didn't know it yet.
He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Randomize
