he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
