watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
Randomize
