Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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