the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
