Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Randomize
