Don't make out with my wife yet
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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