My sheets look like a crime scene.
Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
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