I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
