He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
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