Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
