i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
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