I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
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