Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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