Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
