oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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