I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
I DEMAND FORESKIN
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