Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
So here I am, sexting at work.
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