this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
