I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
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