we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Randomize
