are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
I am midnight drunk by noon
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Randomize
