Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
