I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Be still, my beating vagina.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
They took my balls.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
