i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize