I feel great
I just peed on a car
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
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