I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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