I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
