I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
is that a dick in a sweater?
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
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