What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
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