clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Randomize
