eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize