Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
