just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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