mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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