I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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