I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
