True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
