Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
false alarm, still single
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