We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Randomize