He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Also we saw a clown getting arrested. Rochester is weird.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Randomize