He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
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