omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
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