Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
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