Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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