Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
Randomize
